November

November fall like summer nights, slowly at first and then fast as sunlight. She smells as sweet as Spring, but can be as cold as winter. This seasonal love is causing my heart to splinter. So I'm doing whatever short of giving her a ring, Cause to see November smile is such a beautiful thing. 30 days she gave me, to love her right. So my unwavering love I committed for 30 days & 30 nights. And at the end of our odyssey it became clear to me, I needed much more time for this November fling. As we've spent more time together, we've gone through a lot. From very cool days to crazy nights that were hot. Being so consumed with life some times you forget what matters most. Like days on a calender, you wonder where did the time go. With November I'm relaxed, every moment I savor. She's my first bbm in the morning and the last name in my nightly prayer. Just to see her face or to hear her speak. I wish every month was November, that's how much she's captivated me. I've been infatuated before with Decembers and Julys. But this November love affair feels like it will never die. No more Aprils' fool or Octobers' tricks, My bones may have been stoned but this November sticks. So as I put pen to paper and write these lines, I imagine November's lips and her lovely brown eyes. Her soul's window, that allowed me inside. She's finally in park, no longer along for the ride. I'm giving November my all because it comes naturally to me, I don't wanna make her heart race, I wanna make it sing! And when her song is over, I will put it on repeat. Because the song her heart sings is my favorite L.P.

The Son becomes the Father

Dreams of my father like rain on a window pane,
Left me alone in this world with his blood in my veins.
Now this isn't the life I thought I'd live,
But sometimes in life there's more take and less give.
With that in my mind I stopped praying a long time ago,
Cause what can i tell God that He don't already know.
I see my Father in My son's face every night while he sleeps,
and God can take away everything but my son Ima keep.
I lost 3 years of his life that I'll never get back,
so pardon me if sometimes I'm quick to snap.
somethings i will give him, somethings he'll earn,
and as for those many life lessons, yeah, he'll learn.
I maybe hard on him now but but in time he will see,
that there's always more to life than what appears to be.
As i watch him grow, I try to shape and mold him,
He's a charmer like my father was so sometimes I have to scold him.
Keep him in line, you know, the straight and narrow,
and pray that Cupid misses him with that bow & arrow.
Girls, there will be too many, true love, too few,
but when you meet the right one,you'll know exactly what to do.
Treat all women with respect, even tho they may not deserve it,
and when it comes to your respect, remember, you have to earn it.
Enjoy life to the fullest, live in the moment,
always be responsible, if you made it, you have to own it.
My moms say he will grow up to be the Prime Minister,
So I remind him no matter how you start, be a strong finisher.
And if there's ever a time that you feel you've lost your way,
get comfy by your beside, get on your knees...and pray.

Not my words

The following was written a while back by my ex-wife. I just came across it tonight and thought I'd share it.


A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.
---Donna Roberts

Once every lifetime you find someone who completes your soul. My one time came 16 years ago.

Throy is like a part of me that God put somewhere else for me to find later. (Maybe he is my long lost twin brother???) He is the best friend a person could ever have. He is kind, loving, intelligent, funny and ambitious. He can turn a stranger into a friend in just a few seconds.

Everybody who comes is contact with him has nothing but good things to say. He puts his all in everything he does, from work to basketball. He is very competitive he hates to lose. That is always a sour spot for us since I am the same way.

One thing that I can guarantee is that the sky is the limit for Throy. Cause you can't keep a good man down!!! Love you always and forever!!!

Most Days

This picture epitomizes me on most days. I stand on a hill, somewhat removed from evrything thats going on, watching the world go by. Every now and then I venture closer to see if I am missing out on something, but alas I'm not. I try not to miss persons, places or things but I can't help it sometimes. To me, never looking back means being uncertain of where you are headed. Because the path behind you says as much about the journey you are on as the path that lies ahead of you. We often make the mistake of believing that we have chosen the life we live or rather that we are in control of it. Those assumptions are so far from the truth that it baffles me to this day when I hear people say things like "I am in control of my life" or "I will decide what I do with my life". Wrong wrong wrong!!! Yeah you may have some input, some say, as the older folks put it but you don't have total control. See, I've learned that control is nothing more than an illusion. No one really knows whats going to happen next. You can position yourself to create an optimal situation but if shit is meant to hit the fan, despite your best efforts, it will. Most you can do is make sure it doesn't blow back into your face. As for choosing the life you live...come'on man! If we could really choose our lives, we'd all be happy. Life chooses us. Plain and not so simple. If you really could choose your life, wouldn't you have gotten rid of that friend that always has something negative to say. Or that relative that always want to borrow money. You'd be driving your dream car, living in your dream house with your dream spouse and your dream kids...not Bebe's kids that seem hell bent on sending you crazy before they can even talk. Let's face it, most if not all of us have been given our role to play in this musical/comedy/drama/horror flick. Does that mean we can't enjoy it? Of course not, but don't allow yourself to fall prey to the deception of us actors choosing the life we live.

Where do I want to go today?

Let's see. Sense of humor, check! Smart, check! Over all nice guy, check! Easy on the eyes...errr three out of four ain't bad! So whats the problem then? Why can't I get going? You see, its been several months since my last relationship and I can't seem to move on. Its like dying and being stuck in limbo. I think the last one left a bitter taste in my mouth and now I don't ever want to eat again. Thanks for the buffet but I think I'll just drink some water and be on my way, you know what I mean? I think I have reached the point where it all seems pointless. Like why bother meeting someone new, getting to know them, falling in love, having arguments about who said it first, when at the end of the day, its gonna come back and bite you in the ass like a one of Michael Vick's pit bulls. And please don't think for one minute that I'm seeking pity or sympathy cause I'm not. I am solely responsible for the position I now find myself in. Long live love, what a bunch of bullshit! Its like the Matrix, As long as your in it everything seems fine, but once you get out, you realize what a sham it really is. Like Hov said "You know how this movie ends but still you play the starring role". And no I'm not anti-love, I'm not mad because once again love has proven itself to be a farce nor am I upset over being a sucker for the hundredth time! I have come to accept the realities of this anomaly we call love. It has its place in the world I suppose but then again so does dog shit!

So here I am, on the cusps of taking another leap of faith (aka being a sucker again) only I can't decide on where I want to go today. My bags are packed and I got my ticket and passport. There are a few destinations to choose from but none stands out above the other. Maybe if I lists them with there pros and cons I can make a better informed decision, here goes;

Destination 1 - The place I just came from

Sure it may seem like being a glutton for pain considering how I got thrown out the last time but at least I know what the rules are this time around. No need for road maps or a tour guide, since the layout of the place is still fresh in my mind so I won't have a problem getting lost. Problem is, I think getting back into the place is going to be hard. There were a few persons that didn't like and so did everything within their powers to get me kicked out. Eventually it worked, which is how I ended up where I am now. Truth be told I was really in love with the place, it changed my life.

Destination 2 - The place I left a few years ago

Again, somewhere familiar, although I think a lot has changed in the few years since I've been gone. That was the first place I fell in love with. A lot of my firsts took place there as a matter of fact and to this very day I still miss it. To tell you the truth I never thought I leave but true to form love proved that nothing lasts forever. Contrary to what you might have heard, I left of my own free will. I couldn't take the rules there. They weren't open to other peoples' ideas. They portray a democracy but behind closed doors its a dictatorship. All and all I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to go back...even if it was just for a short visit!

Destination 3 - Where I am right now

Have you ever seen a screen saver on someone's computer and thought "Oh wow! I wish I was there right now"? Thats where I am right now but please don't be fool, paradise this is not! Sure the brochures are beautiful and in the publics opinion, its one of the more sort after places but trust me, being here is nothing like the brochure! Now I must admit that it is beautiful and the "extra curricular activities" are second to none but I'm more of a substance over style type of person. I mean after all, sand is sand! Now you may ask if its such a bad place then why am I still here. Good question! I was on one of those connecting flights, only my connecting flight ended up getting stuck here. Beautiful place to get stuck in I know but looks, like love, can be deceiving!

Destination 4 - Everywhere else

Now this comprise of several "optional" places that all have something going for them. But for some unknown reason, I can't see myself going to none of them. Some of it has to do with the fact that they do a poor job marketing themselves. I mean seriously, who wants to go to a place that everyone else has been to already...and in some cases several times! Other places are either too cold, too far or are simply too much. Look, I've been around the world a few times (pun intended) I know whats out there, convince me that you are worth the journey.

So there it is. Hopefully I can get some positive feedback and make a good decision. If not, I can always depend on Cupid to come along and do what he does best.....

Even The Sun Goes Down

I'm confused. I'm confused now. I'm confused now because as I lay on my bed in the dark with nothing but the sound of my air condition running, I can't figured out where it all went wrong. I know its easy to just blame everyone else. Her friends. Her family. Her. But that doesn't help me to understand. It is like the moment when I finally gave in and said ok, I'm going to settle down and make this work, shit happens. Not the type of shit that you can wipe with tissue, the kind that sends you on an emotional roller coaster and ends when you decide to jump off while in mid air. I don't get it. Why try so hard to make something work if in the end all you are going to do is allow it to be taken away from you? And so easily. I find myself in this position all too often. I compromise and give way. For my efforts I am rewarded with constant accusations and assumptions. Finger pointing at its best and itinerary updates of my every movement. Is this what a relationship means to them? I learned a long time ago that as trust goes so goes your relationship. So yeah, I can't be trusted ergo I got relieved of my duty as lover & friend. Not because there was any evidence of my wrong doing but because as Gin Rummy would say "the absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence". Yeah...right! I MUST be doing something since there is no evidence of me not doing nothing...I think that's how it works. Through it all I always knew that this would be my undoing. I'm way too friendly and flirt way too much. I always try to please everyone almost to a fault. But then again why change who I am? Isn't part of what makes our relationships unique is accepting each other for who they are? Now that very thing is the reason why its time once again to pack my bags and move on. Cause I cant change and I don't want her to change either. Our personalities made us so good together for so long. Some would say it was doomed from the start but I disagree. Sure we had a hard time in the beginning but that made it even more worthwhile. I should have seen the signs from then and adjust accordingly. I tried. I did my best to expose my flaws, my weaknesses and wrongs. I confessed like I was catholic and she was the Pope. But in the end it wasn't enough. It wasn't enough that I was more honest with her then I had ever been with anyone else. It wasn't enough that I sacrificed my pride just to protect hers. It wasn't enough that even though she had secrets and flaws, I didn't judge her. It just wasn't enough. For all that we went through, all that we shared, it saddens me to think that it was all ruined so easily.

But hey, like I always say...even the Sun goes down....

What I'm about to share with you are just my thoughts..what I am thinking at the time.

I'm 5 days, 18minutes and 23 seconds away from my next birthday. There are so many things going on in my life, all at once it seems, that I can hardly keep track of it all. I think I am finally beginning to feel my age. Its not that I can't do all the things I used to do when I was younger, its just that I've learned from my past and I know better now. But sometimes even in knowing better we are all still prone to making the same poor judgement. I read something very interesting a few days ago. It was something someone wrote about me a few months back. Its been lingering on my mind for a while now which in itself is disturbing because i usually get over stuff like that within minutes. Anyways, it was said that I am never satisfied...No matter how good things are going for me I always want more. Even in my relationships. I kept thinking to myself, could this be true? I mean sometimes you really got to look in the mirror and examine the person you see. Its really been picking at my brain these past few days. I wish i could sit up here and say that its not true and defend my position but i can't...the person that wrote it probably knows me better than anyone. So they are definitely qualified to make that observation. Then again, whats wrong with wanting more? I mean aren't we taught to always press forward, onward, upward? I know it may not be the same thing, apples and oranges, but maybe just maybe I was built to always strive for more and to never settle..that's the way I approach life in general. Anyways, I will have to toss this around some more...I hate this!

Life is good otherwise. Looking forward to my birthday and going to my cousins wedding. I'm always happy to get off this rock and go somewhere for a few days. This place can drive you crazy if you don't have you head screwed on right. Luckily for me I've always been able to get by regardless. Most people think its because I don't care or that I don't let things bother me, that couldn't be further from the truth. But what I do understand is the concept of only worrying about the things I can control which, in most cases, are my own actions. So I try everyday not to get caught up in the back and forth that goes on. I count my many blessings and try to improve myself and the world around me. I know I have a wonderful person at my side and I try to surround myself with good, positive, strong minded persons. Hopefully all this will help to keep me grounded and focused for whatever comes next.

I've been spending a lot of time with my siblings lately. I think they were worried about me for a while. I was going into one of those phases. I really just needed sometime to clear my head and remember all the things I went thru to get where I am today. Sometimes it helps to relive your trials and tribulations. My Moms is always encouraging me. I swear that woman must have the faith and patience of Job. For a time after my father died i was pushing her away. I guess i felt like i needed to in case something happened to her I wouldn't go thru what i went thru when my dad past.  I know that was stupid cause my Moms for along time was my Dad. I  pray that I die before she does cause I know my heart can't take it. Shit I nearly died when my Father past. I talked to my brother Ron for like 3 hours the other day on the phone. He's all excited about coming home next year. I can't wait to see them. I always think that he's the only one that really gets me. I think everyone else sees me as the baby that needs protecting and looking after. Not that I've given much reason to think otherwise. I guess it is what it is in the end.  My brother Hayward just bought a boat. So i guess now we can all go fishing like we used to. Well my brother Chester has a boat too but he's always too busy working to take us out. Well he took us out one time and we made plans to go several other times but the weather never cooperates. I think that's a sign within itself. 

Well I'm now 4 days, 23 hours 15minutes and 47 seconds away from my next birthday. (yeah I've been preoccupied while blogging) Until next time...thanks for listening...err reading.