Monday, November 24, 2008

What I'm about to share with you are just my thoughts..what I am thinking at the time.

I'm 5 days, 18minutes and 23 seconds away from my next birthday. There are so many things going on in my life, all at once it seems, that I can hardly keep track of it all. I think I am finally beginning to feel my age. Its not that I can't do all the things I used to do when I was younger, its just that I've learned from my past and I know better now. But sometimes even in knowing better we are all still prone to making the same poor judgement. I read something very interesting a few days ago. It was something someone wrote about me a few months back. Its been lingering on my mind for a while now which in itself is disturbing because i usually get over stuff like that within minutes. Anyways, it was said that I am never satisfied...No matter how good things are going for me I always want more. Even in my relationships. I kept thinking to myself, could this be true? I mean sometimes you really got to look in the mirror and examine the person you see. Its really been picking at my brain these past few days. I wish i could sit up here and say that its not true and defend my position but i can't...the person that wrote it probably knows me better than anyone. So they are definitely qualified to make that observation. Then again, whats wrong with wanting more? I mean aren't we taught to always press forward, onward, upward? I know it may not be the same thing, apples and oranges, but maybe just maybe I was built to always strive for more and to never settle..that's the way I approach life in general. Anyways, I will have to toss this around some more...I hate this!

Life is good otherwise. Looking forward to my birthday and going to my cousins wedding. I'm always happy to get off this rock and go somewhere for a few days. This place can drive you crazy if you don't have you head screwed on right. Luckily for me I've always been able to get by regardless. Most people think its because I don't care or that I don't let things bother me, that couldn't be further from the truth. But what I do understand is the concept of only worrying about the things I can control which, in most cases, are my own actions. So I try everyday not to get caught up in the back and forth that goes on. I count my many blessings and try to improve myself and the world around me. I know I have a wonderful person at my side and I try to surround myself with good, positive, strong minded persons. Hopefully all this will help to keep me grounded and focused for whatever comes next.

I've been spending a lot of time with my siblings lately. I think they were worried about me for a while. I was going into one of those phases. I really just needed sometime to clear my head and remember all the things I went thru to get where I am today. Sometimes it helps to relive your trials and tribulations. My Moms is always encouraging me. I swear that woman must have the faith and patience of Job. For a time after my father died i was pushing her away. I guess i felt like i needed to in case something happened to her I wouldn't go thru what i went thru when my dad past.  I know that was stupid cause my Moms for along time was my Dad. I  pray that I die before she does cause I know my heart can't take it. Shit I nearly died when my Father past. I talked to my brother Ron for like 3 hours the other day on the phone. He's all excited about coming home next year. I can't wait to see them. I always think that he's the only one that really gets me. I think everyone else sees me as the baby that needs protecting and looking after. Not that I've given much reason to think otherwise. I guess it is what it is in the end.  My brother Hayward just bought a boat. So i guess now we can all go fishing like we used to. Well my brother Chester has a boat too but he's always too busy working to take us out. Well he took us out one time and we made plans to go several other times but the weather never cooperates. I think that's a sign within itself. 

Well I'm now 4 days, 23 hours 15minutes and 47 seconds away from my next birthday. (yeah I've been preoccupied while blogging) Until next time...thanks for listening...err reading.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

The Heart Of the Matter

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And all the struggles we went through
How I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore