Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Even The Sun Goes Down

I'm confused. I'm confused now. I'm confused now because as I lay on my bed in the dark with nothing but the sound of my air condition running, I can't figured out where it all went wrong. I know its easy to just blame everyone else. Her friends. Her family. Her. But that doesn't help me to understand. It is like the moment when I finally gave in and said ok, I'm going to settle down and make this work, shit happens. Not the type of shit that you can wipe with tissue, the kind that sends you on an emotional roller coaster and ends when you decide to jump off while in mid air. I don't get it. Why try so hard to make something work if in the end all you are going to do is allow it to be taken away from you? And so easily. I find myself in this position all too often. I compromise and give way. For my efforts I am rewarded with constant accusations and assumptions. Finger pointing at its best and itinerary updates of my every movement. Is this what a relationship means to them? I learned a long time ago that as trust goes so goes your relationship. So yeah, I can't be trusted ergo I got relieved of my duty as lover & friend. Not because there was any evidence of my wrong doing but because as Gin Rummy would say "the absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence". Yeah...right! I MUST be doing something since there is no evidence of me not doing nothing...I think that's how it works. Through it all I always knew that this would be my undoing. I'm way too friendly and flirt way too much. I always try to please everyone almost to a fault. But then again why change who I am? Isn't part of what makes our relationships unique is accepting each other for who they are? Now that very thing is the reason why its time once again to pack my bags and move on. Cause I cant change and I don't want her to change either. Our personalities made us so good together for so long. Some would say it was doomed from the start but I disagree. Sure we had a hard time in the beginning but that made it even more worthwhile. I should have seen the signs from then and adjust accordingly. I tried. I did my best to expose my flaws, my weaknesses and wrongs. I confessed like I was catholic and she was the Pope. But in the end it wasn't enough. It wasn't enough that I was more honest with her then I had ever been with anyone else. It wasn't enough that I sacrificed my pride just to protect hers. It wasn't enough that even though she had secrets and flaws, I didn't judge her. It just wasn't enough. For all that we went through, all that we shared, it saddens me to think that it was all ruined so easily.

But hey, like I always say...even the Sun goes down....