Even The Sun Goes Down

I'm confused. I'm confused now. I'm confused now because as I lay on my bed in the dark with nothing but the sound of my air condition running, I can't figured out where it all went wrong. I know its easy to just blame everyone else. Her friends. Her family. Her. But that doesn't help me to understand. It is like the moment when I finally gave in and said ok, I'm going to settle down and make this work, shit happens. Not the type of shit that you can wipe with tissue, the kind that sends you on an emotional roller coaster and ends when you decide to jump off while in mid air. I don't get it. Why try so hard to make something work if in the end all you are going to do is allow it to be taken away from you? And so easily. I find myself in this position all too often. I compromise and give way. For my efforts I am rewarded with constant accusations and assumptions. Finger pointing at its best and itinerary updates of my every movement. Is this what a relationship means to them? I learned a long time ago that as trust goes so goes your relationship. So yeah, I can't be trusted ergo I got relieved of my duty as lover & friend. Not because there was any evidence of my wrong doing but because as Gin Rummy would say "the absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence". Yeah...right! I MUST be doing something since there is no evidence of me not doing nothing...I think that's how it works. Through it all I always knew that this would be my undoing. I'm way too friendly and flirt way too much. I always try to please everyone almost to a fault. But then again why change who I am? Isn't part of what makes our relationships unique is accepting each other for who they are? Now that very thing is the reason why its time once again to pack my bags and move on. Cause I cant change and I don't want her to change either. Our personalities made us so good together for so long. Some would say it was doomed from the start but I disagree. Sure we had a hard time in the beginning but that made it even more worthwhile. I should have seen the signs from then and adjust accordingly. I tried. I did my best to expose my flaws, my weaknesses and wrongs. I confessed like I was catholic and she was the Pope. But in the end it wasn't enough. It wasn't enough that I was more honest with her then I had ever been with anyone else. It wasn't enough that I sacrificed my pride just to protect hers. It wasn't enough that even though she had secrets and flaws, I didn't judge her. It just wasn't enough. For all that we went through, all that we shared, it saddens me to think that it was all ruined so easily.

But hey, like I always say...even the Sun goes down....

What I'm about to share with you are just my thoughts..what I am thinking at the time.

I'm 5 days, 18minutes and 23 seconds away from my next birthday. There are so many things going on in my life, all at once it seems, that I can hardly keep track of it all. I think I am finally beginning to feel my age. Its not that I can't do all the things I used to do when I was younger, its just that I've learned from my past and I know better now. But sometimes even in knowing better we are all still prone to making the same poor judgement. I read something very interesting a few days ago. It was something someone wrote about me a few months back. Its been lingering on my mind for a while now which in itself is disturbing because i usually get over stuff like that within minutes. Anyways, it was said that I am never satisfied...No matter how good things are going for me I always want more. Even in my relationships. I kept thinking to myself, could this be true? I mean sometimes you really got to look in the mirror and examine the person you see. Its really been picking at my brain these past few days. I wish i could sit up here and say that its not true and defend my position but i can't...the person that wrote it probably knows me better than anyone. So they are definitely qualified to make that observation. Then again, whats wrong with wanting more? I mean aren't we taught to always press forward, onward, upward? I know it may not be the same thing, apples and oranges, but maybe just maybe I was built to always strive for more and to never settle..that's the way I approach life in general. Anyways, I will have to toss this around some more...I hate this!

Life is good otherwise. Looking forward to my birthday and going to my cousins wedding. I'm always happy to get off this rock and go somewhere for a few days. This place can drive you crazy if you don't have you head screwed on right. Luckily for me I've always been able to get by regardless. Most people think its because I don't care or that I don't let things bother me, that couldn't be further from the truth. But what I do understand is the concept of only worrying about the things I can control which, in most cases, are my own actions. So I try everyday not to get caught up in the back and forth that goes on. I count my many blessings and try to improve myself and the world around me. I know I have a wonderful person at my side and I try to surround myself with good, positive, strong minded persons. Hopefully all this will help to keep me grounded and focused for whatever comes next.

I've been spending a lot of time with my siblings lately. I think they were worried about me for a while. I was going into one of those phases. I really just needed sometime to clear my head and remember all the things I went thru to get where I am today. Sometimes it helps to relive your trials and tribulations. My Moms is always encouraging me. I swear that woman must have the faith and patience of Job. For a time after my father died i was pushing her away. I guess i felt like i needed to in case something happened to her I wouldn't go thru what i went thru when my dad past.  I know that was stupid cause my Moms for along time was my Dad. I  pray that I die before she does cause I know my heart can't take it. Shit I nearly died when my Father past. I talked to my brother Ron for like 3 hours the other day on the phone. He's all excited about coming home next year. I can't wait to see them. I always think that he's the only one that really gets me. I think everyone else sees me as the baby that needs protecting and looking after. Not that I've given much reason to think otherwise. I guess it is what it is in the end.  My brother Hayward just bought a boat. So i guess now we can all go fishing like we used to. Well my brother Chester has a boat too but he's always too busy working to take us out. Well he took us out one time and we made plans to go several other times but the weather never cooperates. I think that's a sign within itself. 

Well I'm now 4 days, 23 hours 15minutes and 47 seconds away from my next birthday. (yeah I've been preoccupied while blogging) Until next time...thanks for listening...err reading.

The Heart Of the Matter

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And all the struggles we went through
How I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

Hurts so bad

I loved real, real hard once
But the love wasn't returned
Found out the woman I'd die for
She wasn't even concerned
I tried, and I tried, and I tried
To keep her in my life
I cried and I cried, and I cried
But I couldn't make it right
But I, I loved the young woman
And if you've ever been in love
Then you'd understand

What you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don't catch it

And what you need ironically
Will turn out what you want to be
If you just let it

See, I thought this feeling
It was all that I had
But how could this be love
And make me feel so bad?
Gave up my power
I existed for you
But whoever knew the voodoo you'd do?
But I, I loved the young woman
And if you've ever been in love you'd understand
What you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don't catch it
And what you need ironically
Will turn out what you want to be
If you just let it
What you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don't catch it
And what you need ironically
Will turn out what you want to be
If you just let it

When it hurts so bad, Why's it feel so good?

Ode to Sunshine

A face of stone, was shocked on the other end of the phone
Word back home is that you had a special friend
So what was oh so special then?
You have given away without gettin at me
That's your fault, how many times you forgiven me?
How was I to know that you was plain sick of me?
I know the way a nigga livin was whack
But you don't get a nigga back like that!
Shit I'm a man with pride, you don't do shit like that
You don't just pick up and leave and leave me sick like that
You don't throw away what we had, just like that
I was just fuckin them girls, I was gon' get right back
They say you can't turn a bad girl good
But once a good girl's goin bad, she's gone forever..
I'll mourn forever
Shit I gotta live with the fact I did you wrong forever

It's fucked up girl..

Free

Lord it's so hard, living this life
A constant struggle each and every day
Some wonder why I'd rather die
Than to continue living this way
Many are blind and cannot find
The truth cause no one seems to really know
But I won't accept that this is how it's gon' be
Devil you gotta let me and my people go
Cause I wanna be free, completely free
Lord won't you please come and save me
I wanna be free, totally free
I'm not gon' let this world worry me

The Sweetest Thing......memories

The sweetest thing I've ever known
Was like the kiss on the collarbone
Soft caress of happiness
The way you walk, your style of dress
I wish I didn't get so weak
Ooo, baby, just to hear you speak
Makes me argue just to see
How much you're in love with me
See, like a queen, a queen upon her throne
It was the sweet, sweet, sweetest thing I know,
It was the sweet, sweet, sweetest thing I know
I get mad when you walk away (don't walk away)
So I tell you leave, when I mean stay
Warm as the sun dipped in black
Fingertips on the small of my back
More valuable than all I own
Like your precious, precious, precious, precious dark skin tone
It was the...AhI tried to explainAh...but baby, it's in vain
Speaking on my mother's phone
The touching makes me think I'm grown, (you ain't grown)
Sweet prince of the ghetto
Your kisses taste like armoretto
Intoxicating, oh, so intoxicating
How sad, how sad that all things come to an end
But then again, I'm, I'm not alone